Hello humans. You shall all be referred to as humans because I feel like we are above and beyond genders.
I realize it has been a week since this blog has seen any action, I profoundly apologize and would like to say that there is no excuse (besides the one that we’re all busy with life, vacation, sex, money laundering, and the occasional drug). This post will be a review of the movie Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, directed by one of my favorite directors, Luc Besson.
Let us examine some of the fantastic movies created by Luc Besson.
First off, we have one of my personal favorites, The Fifth Element (buy here and go crazy) starring Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich, Gary Oldman, and Chris Tucker. It’s a crazy spectacular science fiction story that I won’t go into much detail. I will just leave you all with this video showcasing Chris Tucker in all his glory as Ruby Rhod. I give the movie 10⁄10. Everyone had a well-rounded and impressive character on-screen, and you don’t see that much often these days.
His second best movie, in my opinion obviously, would have to be Léon: The Professional (available here to buy) starring Jean Reno, Natalie Portman, and Gary Oldman. Jean Reno is an absolute favorite of mine, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.
I can keep on going about the other movies from Luc Besson, but I think you, my special reader, get the idea that I’m a rather big fan of him as a director and for the casting choices he makes.
So that’s why when I saw that he had basically casted two nobodies (when it comes to screen time), I was very surprised. Cara Delevingne plays Laureline. I wasn’t even aware that she was an actor because she doesn’t seem like a very serious person to me. Dane DeHann is the other main character who plays Valerian. Personally I’ve never seen him on screen even though supposedly he was in the Amazing Spider-Man and Lincoln (even as a minor character).
With this new trend of hiring young actors (which is obviously cheaper), my expectations for the movie somewhat faltered. Yes, I realize everyone has a start somewhere, but usually you need some actual experience before you’re a main character. Morgan Freeman’s began as a TV show actor and by playing supporting roles. You’ve seen him in the Shawshank Redemption among others. You know he can play. He probably would have made a better Valerian than Dane.
I did read up a bit before watching the movie, and saw that it was based on a French comic by the same name. No one in America has probably even heard of it. Not to worry though, I thought of that as an advantage, since I won’t know anything about the story and will have a fresh slate.
Boy oh boy.
I was disappointed in a lot of things. First off, the effects and CGI was spectacular. It was like a damn disco show, with lights and colors and weird creatures everywhere. I’m pretty sure the movie was 99.9999999% green-screened. 10⁄10 would watch just for CGI and effects.
But then you have the story. It’s not bad. But it’s generic. It’s not really new. I was able to guess who the bad guy was from like the first 20 minutes (and that’s with the long-ass intro).
Speaking of the intro, it felt very 5th Element style, like a bit comical and not so serious. My hopes actually rose a bit after seeing it.
Naww Nawwwww
Turns out the intro scene was the only viable part of the movie. The rest of it felt even a bit rushed. I did like the overall idea of it, but I just think it was rather poorly executed. I don’t know truthfully who is to blame for that. I thought the directing was well done, and that the humor wasn’t really dry like most action movies out there right now (looking at all of you Marvel/Disney). It could also be that the French comic itself isn’t too good, and since I’ve never read it (and probably won’t), I have no chance of knowing.
What was really cool though was the robotic guards that the Captain had, also known as the K-Trons. Here is what they look like.
I was also an extremely huge fan of the art. It was simply stunning. Personally, I enjoyed this post which talks more about the art if you’re interested. I would highly recommend.
And bro what the fuck was up with Valerian and Laureline and their on-screen “chemistry”. The dude asked the girl to marry her like 20 minutes into the movie, and I was not prepared for that. They both look like they’re 20 but in real life he is 31 and she is 24. I was not ready for how young they look. Not at all. And their on-screen “chemistry” is just so bad. So faked. The dialogue made me want to pull out my phone and watch some scat porn because that’s got way more chemistry than what those two had.
All in all, I wasn’t entirely bored of the movie, but I just expected way more out of it. If it was some budget director or something, I would have brushed it off, but Luc Besson has a lot of experience so that hyped me up.
And if you ain’t a fan of the 5th Element, please refer to this instructional guide.
I love all my fans. Stay curious my friends.