Twats and dicks, today we review the new 2017 Mummy.
It stars handsome Tom Cruise:
and the stunning Sofia Boutella:
among others such as Russell Crowe and Annabelle Wallis.
First, a little history…
The Mummy came out in 1999 and starred Brendan Fraser as Rick O’Connell (the main character), Rachel Weisz (the main heroine), (insert other characters that aided Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz), and featured Arnold Vosloo as the main antagonist (the actual mummy that comes back to life).
The movie was simply spectacular, with well crafted action scenes, slapstick humor, and a compelling story. The whole premise of the movie is a tale as old as time, in which the good guys have to destroy the bad guys. What makes it special is the way it is told, and how well the story progresses. Is it predictable? Does it make you question the actions of the characters? Does it add something new to the protagonist vs antagonist idea? These are all questions you need to ask yourself while watching.
Granted, it is not without its faults, but it reminds me of Indiana Jones and I love me some Indy. I give the original an 8 out of 10. Some stuff was questionable, but the actors had character and the action was very well scripted.
Now onto the new mummy…
What the fuck happened here?
Really.
Why was this movie so bad?
Tom Cruise, in my honest opinion, is one of the greatest actors, and I’ve enjoyed watching him in movies like Mission Impossible and Edge of Tomorrow. He seems to really shine in the more science-fiction type of movies. I can’t remember the last time he had a bad movie. And then I saw this. And then I was instantly reminded of how it felt to have food poisoning. Funny thing is, the movie was worse than having food poisoning.
Yes, Tom Cruise has a relationship with the Church of Scientology, which I personally despise. L. Ron Hubbard has some epic novels but he fucked it all up with the creation of that wicked Church of Scientology. Yes, Tom Cruise was married like four times (we all make mistakes don’t we?). But overall, he is a very solid actor and so are his movies. Let’s not forget how unbelievably astonishing Oblivion (with Morgan Freeman as well) was.
Personally, I did not have very high expectations for the new Mummy. To put it in perspective, my expectations for the movie were about the same as the level of hope that African slaves had to be freed. Very very low. Very low expectations. That being said, I did not believe the movie to be that bad.
Boy did they fucking prove me wrong.
What went wrong? Let’s see… There was no point to call it the Mummy, it all took place in London. Russell Crowe played Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, and was part of some anti-supernatural organization. Like really nigga? What? Russell Crowe’s character was completely unnecessary. And why is there an organization for fighting the supernatural? Like please tell me why that had to be added.
The plot was also very predictable. I was actually shifting uncontrollably in my seat at just how bad it was. It was like when my boy Dat Boi with a Rocket Launcher reviewed Transformers 5. I personally have not seen the new Transformers, but I remember the 4th one and how goofy it was.
The action was decent, but nowadays with all the CGI and tech, actions scenes are usually the best done, which results in using a stale story (looking at you The Force Awakens, umm I mean A New Hope Remastered). The 1999 Mummy did not feature Fraser with an automatic rifle unlike the new one. It was too modernized and in a bad way.
Unfortunately with many movies that are remakes or simply continuing a series, they are done mainly because of the nostalgia factor (looking at you again The Force Awakens with your shitty 3rd death star and even shittier Kylo Ren). This movie is a perfect example of that. The cast may have been fire but the story was awful.
Please, don’t waste your money on this shit movie.
Or if you absolutely must have to, it’s available here. Enjoy wasting your time and brain cells.
Brendan Fraser had this to say about the new movie…
Stay curious my friends.